Sunday, October 31, 2010

Fucking Bullshit!

Today is a day for me to take off from being my normal spiritual self and just vent!
You know how to know if a drug addict is lying? Their lips are moving. Old saying but very true. Why? because the drug addict is constantly lying to themselves about their truth.. so how can they be truthful with you?

I helped out a friend of a friend.. and got shit on for it.. but the big lesson I'm learning is to see the red flags of drug addiction and when my gut says something isn't right listen to my gut and not the bullshit lies that come out of the drug addict's lying ass mouth!

Who is this prick you may ask? Jenna..

A mutual friend of Jenna and myself called me to ask if Jenna.. who was about to separate from her husband could live with me and escort from my home. I refused but said I'd talk to her about just working here.. not living here. She seemed so sweet, nice and genuine and was in a bind. She was going to take a couple weeks sick leave from her day job so she could concentrate on the separation and work on building back up her escort business. I also told her she could stay over on occasion if we went out (well this turned into 5 or 6 nights/week instead of what I thought would be the occasional night)

Ist night I took some photos of her and we put up her ad and then planned to go out for karaoke as we knew it would likely take a while for her ad to get noticed and the calls to start coming in. Also her cerb profile would take a day to be approved.

red flag #1.She wanted to do coke as she was shy and it made her more sociable.. she knew I was uncomfortable with drug use but I was trying to be tolerant. She was more sociable and we had fun... Just before we were to leave for karaoke a client tried to book with her.. thankfully he was over an hour late by the time he called we had given up and left already for karaoke.. because I didn't want her seeing him high and then if anything went wrong he'd perhaps write about it on a review board and then I'd also be accused of being a drug user. Anyway.. I had mixed feelings about the coke use that evening it but it wasn't that bad and the next day I told her my feelings on the issue both good and bad. We did have a great time at karaoke and even though I was nervous about the drug use considering my issues in my past with other addicts..it was pleasant.

red flag #2 she asked to borrow my car to get drugs from her dealer. Shit.. stupid me.. I let her use it and then when she got back told her how uncomfortable I was with it and would rather she not do that again.
A week or so later we had a talk about the coke use and that I was completely uncomfortable with it..she agreed to stop and that she didn't want to do it anyway.. that drinking and smoking dope was enough. (I'm more tolerant of marijuana use but still have issues with that.... frankly coke scares me)

red flag #3. She would drink my beer and leave the freaking bottle cap on the counter. Not only did she not offer to pay for beer (I eventually told her she needed to.. uh.. what grown ass woman needs to be told they should contribute when they're getting a roof over their head for free!) she was leaving the freaking caps on the counter for me to presumably thrown in the garbage. I told her to throw the caps in the garbage. At least that I confronted her about. Yeesh.. I was beginning to feel like a parent scolding their child.

red flag #4. Another night we were out for karaoke at a different hang out of mine.. she was cozying up to some dude and then later told Annessa and myself that she had informed him that if he was interested in having sex later with her she was available for a fee.(this was the night of asking Annessa not to tell me about her coke use) Uh... dude! not cool. No soliciting while out and about. You do it through proper advertising.. and please please please 'do not shit where you eat!' and certainly don't shit where I eat! I come to this place regularly (this is what I thought but didn't say anything at the time).
I later learned from Annessa that she did coke that night and asked Annessa not to tell me. See.. addicts think that if they lie to you.. they'll get away with it.. but you still get angry because you know they're lying to you about something.. you just don't know always know what!
That night after we got home Jenna talked to me for over an hour about something so horrible in her life that I felt like crying over it.. it was this kind of stuff that made me realize why people do drugs. The pain over something in their lives is so intense that they need to block it out. This is the way you get hooked into wanting to support that person.. you feel horribly sorry for the things that happened to them. Looking back I realized that she was so open and talked for so long about it (til 5 am) because she was on coke.

** in the 3 weeks or so she was at my house..there were many other little red flags but these are a few examples off the top of my head**

red flag # 5. Sara came by for a visit and when I told her that I was planning on telling Jenna she could no longer work/sleep at my place.. Sara confessed that Jenna had done something to upset her on cerb several days ago. Telling a guy in the open chat forum that Sara wasn't a good match for him as she was too immature. 3 people emailed Sara to tell her about it and Sara informed mod. She was hurt and it only added to my confirmation that Jenna's behaviour was all about Jenna and she wasn't thinking straight.

red flag #6 (this is the day I was prepared to tell her I wanted her to leave my house)... she came in from her square job which she had just gone back to after 2 weeks absence.. dropped her bags and went to change.. and said she was going to dinner with a customer to explain to him why she couldn't date him... going on about how if he were willing to pay her she'd have sex with him but not for free.

Annessa was visiting at the time and knew I was planning on confronting Jenna.. but he was picking her up in 15 minutes while she scrambled to get ready. Both Annessa and myself told her that made no sense that she was going to dinner to blow someone off when the simple answer was I'm not interested and I asked if she were serious about the paying for sex part.. uh see red flag #2. Do not shit where you eat.. to which she replied.."no". But both Annessa and I were fairly convinced she was doing exactly that because it made no sense to go to dinner to tell someone you didn't want to go to date them.

Anyway.. I stressed even longer while I waited for her to come back from the dinner and when she came in the door I confronted her about all the weird behaviour. I was understandably nervous but once I told her it wasn't working out and that I didn't trust her I started to be calm inside.. because I knew what I was saying was true despite her acclamations that I was mis-judging her. (yeah I've heard that before one time too many). When she realized I wasn't open to discussion on how we might fix this..she called her husband to come pick her up and foolishly I didn't follow her or stay in the same room with her. Why foolish? Here's why.

This past week I realized a couple of dresses were missing that I had lent her that she would wear to answer the door to see clients. I texted her (three weeks had passed before I realized it)

10/29/10 3pm.
Me: Hi Jenna. Can I get my black ruffled dress from u? I found your black and white top. And not sure if plaid blue and black winter jacket is also yours or Sara's. C
9:30pm. Oh. I think u have my brown and black dress too. Just looked for it and don't see it anywhere. Anything else u borrowed?
(wait 2 days.. no reply)

Now the day she left my house I had gone to a party that evening with some other sps and to a bar afterwards where I realized my wallet had been emptied of all my cash (probably 120-150 bucks but I wasn't sure exactly how much). I kicked myself for not checking my wallet after she left my house so I could narrow down if she had ripped me off or someone else that night had.
so I texted her today..

10/31/10 3pm. Well since u think it's okay to steal clothing I'll assume u are indeed also the thief who took money out of my wallet the day u left.. Still don't think you have a drug problem?
(THAT got a reply!)

Jenna: 4:15 pm
Kiss my ass – I didn't steal money from you. The dresses went to charity. Get over it.

Me: 5:30 You better pay me for the dressses. They were both brand new and the black one still had the price tags on it. What did I ever do to u except try to help u. Ungrateful selfish person u are. And I was dead right about how untrustworthy u are. Thief.

Jenna: Fuck you, you fucking crazy.. you need help.. your need to control people is a bit much.. move on!

6 pm Me: What goes around comes around. I hope u get help.

Now there's obviously more to this story..you may think why did you even try to help her to begin with. We had fun! She was really sweet and I thought genuinely shy. I guess now I realize shy people are really insecure and in cases like this because they truly have something to hide! There are sooo many ways to be manipulated and I've probably fallen for most of them at one time or another in my life and still will.

I feel truly blessed in my life and that I need to give back and pay it forward.. but I also have my insecurities and want to be liked. It feels good to help people and have them appreciate you. Annessa is one of these people but I also appreciate her! She is the one of the few friends in the last year who is also an sp that I have found truly has my back. We have talks about this and have grown in that we have both cut people out of our lives who aren't like this.

I want to see the best in people and tried to with Jenna. Jenna didn't like anything I had to say that day I told her it wasn't working out and because the main reason I let her work in my place was that she was in a financial bind with her family I did judge her openly about drug use (which is expensive) and partying when she was supposed to be earning money to pay off debts. No-one likes to be told they are being a bad parent and I had no compunction in telling her that I did think this!

That was what she meant in her text about me being a control freak. I know it seems out of context about my asking for stolen clothing back.. so now you'd understand that comment.

You see.. I've been learning a lot about drug use the past few years. I dated a drug addict/gambler in 2002 and that sent me to counselling. I have a sibling who is bipolar and a drug addict so I developed what I learned in counselling is codependency and have been a recovering codependent for the past few years. I've finally cut this sibling out of my life but it was a very long arduous painful journey..Sometimes (like this situation with Jenna) I relapse.

Codependency causes you to want to help the addict and you tend to stuff your feelings when the red flags make you anxious. You then build up resentment when those feelings don't go away and of course blame the addict for making you feel this way. It literally makes me sick. My immune system gets stressed and I get flu like symptoms. It's like PTSD.

I start to get better the minute I evict the addict from my life but it's a slow process. The addict is always angry when you do this.. as they are usually leaching off of you and you cut off their supply of free booze/roof over their head/support etc.

So there you have it.. crap crap crap. I'm angry.. I'm hurt and I'm venting. Not because she called me a control freak. I'm okay with that. I'm asserting control over my health and welfare. I'm hurt and angry because once again I was generous with someone and they shit on me. That part I'll get over soon though.. simply because I love myself and that's the lesson learned. How to listen to my instincts and cut the addict out of my life sooner than later each time I make the mistake again. I'm learning much faster.

What a dumb bitch though! She admitted in a text to stealing and she hasn't a clue that it's wrong and that I now have evidence. She thinks stealing clothing is less of an offense than taking cash (which I'm now certain she did as well.. she obviously feels entitled because I kicked her out of my house and my life that she can take and do with my belongings whatever she likes). Drug addicts forget themselves and get arrogant when they're high. I may not be going to the cops but I can certainly post it here for everyone who reads my blog to see.. and I have a lot of readers. Karma is a bitch.. just like you Jenna.

Monday, October 18, 2010

another ''good, bad and ugly'' or rather ''dufus, awesome regulars and sizzling 3some''

I have to admit.. I've been rather lazy and just enjoying my lovely home this past summer. I've been doing a lot of karaoke (couple times or more a week) and as well the past few months I've had several house guests on and off for a couple nights up to a couple months. I recently however had to ask my latest house guests to relocate as I was feeling kind of crowded.

I never intended to have room-mates and I make it too hospitable for guests so they sometimes overstay their welcome. I'm back to hanging with Annessa on the occasional afternoon but she never takes up residence. She is my favorite person to hang with.. and the other night when a particularly sizzling client came to see me and requested a duo for a follow-up session I didn't hesitate to recommend her. To say that session was one of the hottest 3somes we've ever had would be an understatement.

So that day.. I saw a regular long-time client in the am who visits Ottawa every 4-6 months or so.. went for a tan.. saw a regular in the afternoon that I see every couple of weeks (previously mentioned in a blog as sexy-bum-boy) who I adore and look forward to seeing very much.. I then had a dufus in the evening before the ultimate duo.

DUFUS... booked an appt with me with about 2 hrs advance notice.. then when he was 15 minutes late I texted him to ask if he got lost. Here's his reply. 'No I am on my way for some juicy ass sorry for the delay' I knew he was going to be interesting..

Now don't get me wrong. I'm certainly not a prude by any means.. but don't guys understand that we haven't a fucking clue who they are yet? Until we've had at least one get to know you session.. you are a complete stranger to us..so don't start with the naughty talk til we have a rapport with you.

Anyway.. he finally shows.. comes into the room.. then proceeds to count out the fee.. saying he's got 180 for me but will hold back the 20 dollars tip and give it to me if I'm good at what I do.. UGGGGG!!!!

What am I? A freaking dog? You're going to hold out a doggie treat for me and if I somehow figure out what it is you want you'll reward me with it? I try to ignore his ill-mannered jive talk and just give the normal customer service I usually do..

He seems normal otherwise.. likes a bit of dirty talk and slapping my ass... Asks me if I like it rough to which I reply 'no' I don't.. but he seems gentle enough and I tell him he is.

Anyway.. we chat.. we laugh.. again like I said.. seems normal enough.. but in the end with his complements all the way to the door doesn't fork over the 20 bucks. I can only assume he wanted me to give him bareback or something in exchange for the 20 bucks as he hasn't spelled it out.. Either way it leaves me feeling creepy that he did that. Perhaps humilation is his game? no idea.. and I didn't bother to ask.

Anwway.. the duo with Annessa along with the other 2 great calls I had that day always more than make up for the dufus clients.

So.. back to hot sizzling client from Thursday night. (this is now Friday I'm writing about)

M is a beautiful fit french lad who is a few inches taller than me and 15 years my junior. Oh.. la la! He's the type of guy who is so respectful and has no freaking clue how hot he is so it makes him miles hotter! Granted hotness is always in the eye of the beholder but it's so much more in the personality of the holder.

We had a lovely session as I said on the Thursday night and it was instant chemistry. When he called the Friday afternoon to confirm that he indeed wanted to have his first 3some with Annessa and myself I was super excited.. as was she after I had told her all about him.

He wanted us to start off with each other of course.. (doesn't every man?) and we did.. kissing and sucking each others boobs and pussies.. but the real meat for me comes from watching the others play and then getting banged.

Suffice it to say watching them fuck and then having him come back to me and then back to her again was mindblowing. It's times like this I wish I could videotape the session so you could all see for yourselves what I mean..

I should have written about this the next day so the details would be fresher in my head.. but I went winemaking Saturday and then to a patio with friends as it was so beautiful and sunny.. and then Sunday I had a seminar 2 1/2 hrs drive each way out of town in the country .. so there really wasn't time.

Anyway.. M and I had a great connection that Annessa could see and in very similar fashion to the 3some we shared with my friend Tony several months ago.. I got to watch them form a connection. It's like watching a flower unfold.. so amazing. For a first-timer in a 3some he did amazingly well! He should have blown his load instantly from all the tittilation but held off for a good long while fucking each of us in turn. Oh yeah.. I remember one hot point (how could I forget as my neck was sore afterwards - makes mental note to grab small pillow for this next time) where Annessa and I were doing 69 and he was fucking her above my head. So freaking hot!

I was using my vibrator to get off over and over as we both watched her suck his cock. Man I love watching. oh.....must go masturbate now..... see ya!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Happy Turkey Day Canada!

For those of you in other countries (including the US obviously as yours is in November) it's our Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. I'm thankful for my lovely house, my lovely city, my fantastic friends and of course my job. I'm thankful for my family too but I didn't see them this weekend.

Thursday evening started off with another working girls party at another escorts home and then we went for karaoke. Friday Annessa came over and made me turkey fried in a pan with almond meal coating, broccoli with cheese and a bun and gravy.. it was sooo yummy.. then that evening was a friends band. Saturday was a friends' 50th bday party in the afternoon and Sunday was a day of lounging/recuperating. Then today I went to another friends house for canneloni, garlic bread and wine. It's really important to be with friends when family isn't around over the holidays and as I said I'm thankful for all the great friends I have here in O-town.