Sunday, October 31, 2010

Fucking Bullshit!

Today is a day for me to take off from being my normal spiritual self and just vent!
You know how to know if a drug addict is lying? Their lips are moving. Old saying but very true. Why? because the drug addict is constantly lying to themselves about their truth.. so how can they be truthful with you?

I helped out a friend of a friend.. and got shit on for it.. but the big lesson I'm learning is to see the red flags of drug addiction and when my gut says something isn't right listen to my gut and not the bullshit lies that come out of the drug addict's lying ass mouth!

Who is this prick you may ask? Jenna..

A mutual friend of Jenna and myself called me to ask if Jenna.. who was about to separate from her husband could live with me and escort from my home. I refused but said I'd talk to her about just working here.. not living here. She seemed so sweet, nice and genuine and was in a bind. She was going to take a couple weeks sick leave from her day job so she could concentrate on the separation and work on building back up her escort business. I also told her she could stay over on occasion if we went out (well this turned into 5 or 6 nights/week instead of what I thought would be the occasional night)

Ist night I took some photos of her and we put up her ad and then planned to go out for karaoke as we knew it would likely take a while for her ad to get noticed and the calls to start coming in. Also her cerb profile would take a day to be approved.

red flag #1.She wanted to do coke as she was shy and it made her more sociable.. she knew I was uncomfortable with drug use but I was trying to be tolerant. She was more sociable and we had fun... Just before we were to leave for karaoke a client tried to book with her.. thankfully he was over an hour late by the time he called we had given up and left already for karaoke.. because I didn't want her seeing him high and then if anything went wrong he'd perhaps write about it on a review board and then I'd also be accused of being a drug user. Anyway.. I had mixed feelings about the coke use that evening it but it wasn't that bad and the next day I told her my feelings on the issue both good and bad. We did have a great time at karaoke and even though I was nervous about the drug use considering my issues in my past with other addicts..it was pleasant.

red flag #2 she asked to borrow my car to get drugs from her dealer. Shit.. stupid me.. I let her use it and then when she got back told her how uncomfortable I was with it and would rather she not do that again.
A week or so later we had a talk about the coke use and that I was completely uncomfortable with it..she agreed to stop and that she didn't want to do it anyway.. that drinking and smoking dope was enough. (I'm more tolerant of marijuana use but still have issues with that.... frankly coke scares me)

red flag #3. She would drink my beer and leave the freaking bottle cap on the counter. Not only did she not offer to pay for beer (I eventually told her she needed to.. uh.. what grown ass woman needs to be told they should contribute when they're getting a roof over their head for free!) she was leaving the freaking caps on the counter for me to presumably thrown in the garbage. I told her to throw the caps in the garbage. At least that I confronted her about. Yeesh.. I was beginning to feel like a parent scolding their child.

red flag #4. Another night we were out for karaoke at a different hang out of mine.. she was cozying up to some dude and then later told Annessa and myself that she had informed him that if he was interested in having sex later with her she was available for a fee.(this was the night of asking Annessa not to tell me about her coke use) Uh... dude! not cool. No soliciting while out and about. You do it through proper advertising.. and please please please 'do not shit where you eat!' and certainly don't shit where I eat! I come to this place regularly (this is what I thought but didn't say anything at the time).
I later learned from Annessa that she did coke that night and asked Annessa not to tell me. See.. addicts think that if they lie to you.. they'll get away with it.. but you still get angry because you know they're lying to you about something.. you just don't know always know what!
That night after we got home Jenna talked to me for over an hour about something so horrible in her life that I felt like crying over it.. it was this kind of stuff that made me realize why people do drugs. The pain over something in their lives is so intense that they need to block it out. This is the way you get hooked into wanting to support that person.. you feel horribly sorry for the things that happened to them. Looking back I realized that she was so open and talked for so long about it (til 5 am) because she was on coke.

** in the 3 weeks or so she was at my house..there were many other little red flags but these are a few examples off the top of my head**

red flag # 5. Sara came by for a visit and when I told her that I was planning on telling Jenna she could no longer work/sleep at my place.. Sara confessed that Jenna had done something to upset her on cerb several days ago. Telling a guy in the open chat forum that Sara wasn't a good match for him as she was too immature. 3 people emailed Sara to tell her about it and Sara informed mod. She was hurt and it only added to my confirmation that Jenna's behaviour was all about Jenna and she wasn't thinking straight.

red flag #6 (this is the day I was prepared to tell her I wanted her to leave my house)... she came in from her square job which she had just gone back to after 2 weeks absence.. dropped her bags and went to change.. and said she was going to dinner with a customer to explain to him why she couldn't date him... going on about how if he were willing to pay her she'd have sex with him but not for free.

Annessa was visiting at the time and knew I was planning on confronting Jenna.. but he was picking her up in 15 minutes while she scrambled to get ready. Both Annessa and myself told her that made no sense that she was going to dinner to blow someone off when the simple answer was I'm not interested and I asked if she were serious about the paying for sex part.. uh see red flag #2. Do not shit where you eat.. to which she replied.."no". But both Annessa and I were fairly convinced she was doing exactly that because it made no sense to go to dinner to tell someone you didn't want to go to date them.

Anyway.. I stressed even longer while I waited for her to come back from the dinner and when she came in the door I confronted her about all the weird behaviour. I was understandably nervous but once I told her it wasn't working out and that I didn't trust her I started to be calm inside.. because I knew what I was saying was true despite her acclamations that I was mis-judging her. (yeah I've heard that before one time too many). When she realized I wasn't open to discussion on how we might fix this..she called her husband to come pick her up and foolishly I didn't follow her or stay in the same room with her. Why foolish? Here's why.

This past week I realized a couple of dresses were missing that I had lent her that she would wear to answer the door to see clients. I texted her (three weeks had passed before I realized it)

10/29/10 3pm.
Me: Hi Jenna. Can I get my black ruffled dress from u? I found your black and white top. And not sure if plaid blue and black winter jacket is also yours or Sara's. C
9:30pm. Oh. I think u have my brown and black dress too. Just looked for it and don't see it anywhere. Anything else u borrowed?
(wait 2 days.. no reply)

Now the day she left my house I had gone to a party that evening with some other sps and to a bar afterwards where I realized my wallet had been emptied of all my cash (probably 120-150 bucks but I wasn't sure exactly how much). I kicked myself for not checking my wallet after she left my house so I could narrow down if she had ripped me off or someone else that night had.
so I texted her today..

10/31/10 3pm. Well since u think it's okay to steal clothing I'll assume u are indeed also the thief who took money out of my wallet the day u left.. Still don't think you have a drug problem?
(THAT got a reply!)

Jenna: 4:15 pm
Kiss my ass – I didn't steal money from you. The dresses went to charity. Get over it.

Me: 5:30 You better pay me for the dressses. They were both brand new and the black one still had the price tags on it. What did I ever do to u except try to help u. Ungrateful selfish person u are. And I was dead right about how untrustworthy u are. Thief.

Jenna: Fuck you, you fucking crazy.. you need help.. your need to control people is a bit much.. move on!

6 pm Me: What goes around comes around. I hope u get help.

Now there's obviously more to this story..you may think why did you even try to help her to begin with. We had fun! She was really sweet and I thought genuinely shy. I guess now I realize shy people are really insecure and in cases like this because they truly have something to hide! There are sooo many ways to be manipulated and I've probably fallen for most of them at one time or another in my life and still will.

I feel truly blessed in my life and that I need to give back and pay it forward.. but I also have my insecurities and want to be liked. It feels good to help people and have them appreciate you. Annessa is one of these people but I also appreciate her! She is the one of the few friends in the last year who is also an sp that I have found truly has my back. We have talks about this and have grown in that we have both cut people out of our lives who aren't like this.

I want to see the best in people and tried to with Jenna. Jenna didn't like anything I had to say that day I told her it wasn't working out and because the main reason I let her work in my place was that she was in a financial bind with her family I did judge her openly about drug use (which is expensive) and partying when she was supposed to be earning money to pay off debts. No-one likes to be told they are being a bad parent and I had no compunction in telling her that I did think this!

That was what she meant in her text about me being a control freak. I know it seems out of context about my asking for stolen clothing back.. so now you'd understand that comment.

You see.. I've been learning a lot about drug use the past few years. I dated a drug addict/gambler in 2002 and that sent me to counselling. I have a sibling who is bipolar and a drug addict so I developed what I learned in counselling is codependency and have been a recovering codependent for the past few years. I've finally cut this sibling out of my life but it was a very long arduous painful journey..Sometimes (like this situation with Jenna) I relapse.

Codependency causes you to want to help the addict and you tend to stuff your feelings when the red flags make you anxious. You then build up resentment when those feelings don't go away and of course blame the addict for making you feel this way. It literally makes me sick. My immune system gets stressed and I get flu like symptoms. It's like PTSD.

I start to get better the minute I evict the addict from my life but it's a slow process. The addict is always angry when you do this.. as they are usually leaching off of you and you cut off their supply of free booze/roof over their head/support etc.

So there you have it.. crap crap crap. I'm angry.. I'm hurt and I'm venting. Not because she called me a control freak. I'm okay with that. I'm asserting control over my health and welfare. I'm hurt and angry because once again I was generous with someone and they shit on me. That part I'll get over soon though.. simply because I love myself and that's the lesson learned. How to listen to my instincts and cut the addict out of my life sooner than later each time I make the mistake again. I'm learning much faster.

What a dumb bitch though! She admitted in a text to stealing and she hasn't a clue that it's wrong and that I now have evidence. She thinks stealing clothing is less of an offense than taking cash (which I'm now certain she did as well.. she obviously feels entitled because I kicked her out of my house and my life that she can take and do with my belongings whatever she likes). Drug addicts forget themselves and get arrogant when they're high. I may not be going to the cops but I can certainly post it here for everyone who reads my blog to see.. and I have a lot of readers. Karma is a bitch.. just like you Jenna.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

The best description Ive heard of for coke is 'asshole fuel'. I don't know if its just assholes who are on it or what but Ive never met anyone who wasnt a total peice of shit on blow.

Also good luck with your codependency tendencies. Ive found that some people are drama magnets and its better to ignore feelings of wanting to fix people or whatever. Life is too short to put up with the bullshit of crazy people.

Gus said...

Be strong Carrie...

Anything else I could say would sound like a cheap self-help book.

I'm pretty sure that you know better how to cope with this kind of situations (bc of what you just wrote about your past experiences) and also have a better corpus of experiences that will help you go through any other situations that might be similar to this one.

A bug hug for you

Anonymous said...

hard stuff! your a great person! dont let that change

Carrie Moon said...

Actually I'm getting more experience around recreational coke users and not all are assholes surprisingly. I think anyone can be an asshole. Heck.. I've been one on occasion myself! Haven't we all?

I was pretty upset for a day or 2.. but writing this out and having a few people read it helps. I wanted to do a lot more damage to her initially.. but resentment is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die. It's soooo not healthy.

So.. I was back to my spiritual self with a few relapses. I found it really helpful to talk to some of my friends and fantasize about what damage I could do to her by exposing her more severely.. but wouldn't actually do any such things. Then it was easier to let it go.

Anonymous said...

Geesh, and you thought a certain person that stayed in your basement very casually was a problem during Bluesfest last year! You really should learn which friends are good & which are the 'bad' :o) Bummer of an experience it sounds you had though. Hope all is well. All the best for 2011!

Carrie Moon said...

Yes.. that is the point! I am learning which friends are good and which are bad.. but it's always a learning experience and of course people tend to only show you their best side(s) if at all possible in the beginning. What I really need to learn is that people who are down on their luck (in their words) really got themselves there and if their own families don't help them there's probably a reason for that. I'm not saying I've become jaded because obviously that's impossible or I would have by now! Even in this case I feel grateful that I listened to my instincts and said something earlier rather than later.
Thanks for all the love peeps.. anonymous and otherwise :p