Bad trip

 I had to put max down Easter weekend. I was heartbroken. You know as an animal ages this in inevitable but it's still never easy.

I had developed a great friendship with a much younger girl. She was a great support to me during this time. I was motherly towards her and we just clicked. 

Cut to...my birthday May24. She was assaulted already twice by her crazy ex.. but this 3rd assault was attempted murder. I'd never experienced this happening to anyone except a cousin of mine being stabbed to death several years earlier. 

She survived but it was touch and go.

A good friend of mine I knew did "mushroom resets" and I asked her to do one with me 

2 days later we did it. I wanted to be out of depression. I didn't research it..I just trusted her. Not my normal way of doing things but I felt desperate. I'd thought about it for years but was chicken. AND for good reason.

I suffered demonic attacks for 4-5 hours..2 of which I don't remember. 

The voices in my head were telling me this world I know is a mess is a matrix. It's all my fault because of my arrogance. I asked if I am Satan and this whole matrix is a construct in my own mind 

It was telling me the only way out is to kill myself. You want the noise to stop? Your friends are angelic/spirit guides showing you signs? You're too stupid to see it!!! It called me stupid bitch..look it said as it mocked me while I tried to smother myself..she can't even do that right!! 

It kept repeating over and over horrible things to me. 

I just kept laughing maniacally in a demonic voice at myself and how ludicrously useless I was. At many points I was growling. 

It was my worst nightmare 

After 5 hours I could go outside and sit in the sun and it was over but that evening I didn't even want to sleep in my room.

The only thing that saved me from a psychotic break was that I whispered over and over for Jesus to save me. 

He did. That's why I'm here today.

I realized these voices were and always have been in my head. Running in my subconscious. The shrooms made them clearly audible to my conscious mind. 

I begged for Deliverance. 

A Facebook post showed up for this and I downloaded the PDF book.

I had no clue the items in my house invited demons through open doors. It's a very long list and you need to close all the doors before doing a Deliverance. I knew the biggest door was my job. But I would leave it til last. 

I kept watching Deliverance testimonies and learned sooo much. A week ago friday I was convicted to stop listening to secular music by a Facebook post of someone I admire and follow because of demonic influences in not only the lyrics but the energy and frequency. 

Saturday I asked God to help me quit smoking. I wasn't a regular smoker but I'd always been a social smoker and some of my friends smoke. It always made me feel sick but I couldn't seem to help myself. 

He took it away. Yay!

Sunday I watched more..and I started to repent more..but I knew the job was the big one. 

Monday morning I joined a prayer group zoom. I asked prayers for my Deliverance 

After that..I posted my retirement. I had to!!

I was so spiritually convicted by this point. I had known for months that it was coming.

I had been praying every night for months for Jesus to visit me..the holy Spirit to visit me like I had seen in some Deliverance testimonies but I didn't see either 

I finally realized God said no..you must make the first move. You knew me and you turned away. You first. He knew how stubborn I was .but he also had spared me so much considering all the doors I had left wide open.

I was lucky compared to some stories I heard. 

I was so protected in so many situations where I foolishly dabbled in new age stuff..not knowing the dangers obviously but I did know the dangers of mushroom use..that's why I had never done it. 

It was sooooo foolish. No matter how desperate I felt. 

BUT he allowed me to feel and hear how demons speak. 

I pray for discernment now so I can do so in people around me without fear. 

I look so forward to being a Xena Warrior princess for God in future..slaying demons and truly helping people heal from torment. 

Moving forward I hope this testimony helps some of my fans that I know struggle with porn addiction and lonliness 

This is not to shame anyone. I'm not ashamed. We did not do this to hurt anyone. We are only hurting ourselves with temporary highs. (Money for me.. gratification for you)

I repent of greed. I repent of vanity. I repent of sexual immorality but mostly I'm repenting of unforgiveness.

😎

Mom... dementia sucks!

 Long story short. Mom's dementia got bad..rapidly. I had to put her in long term care. That was a horrible horrendous journey..but it got worse. Much much worse. 

Overdosing her on meds. Firing docs, reporting docs, tons of gaslighting, sooooo many mini nervous breakdowns. I leaned on God during this time but I didn't have the right relationship I do now as of the past week. The reason I'm keeping this short is because its a very long story and I kind of want to get to the point as it's way more interesting and positive..after we get thru the demonic part. So..let's go

Q

 Anyway .I got sidetracked. Prior to Q I had known about the fake money system. Our i.d. making us a corporation (I'll make a separate playlist on YouTube or more likely rumble to add at a later date). Jordon Maxwell was a good resource but I had watched zeitgeist 1-3, hijacking humanity, freedom to fascism, Fahrenheit 911 etc etc..

So I ate up the q stuff.  It got me somewhat hopeful when I thought at least there's a plan to take down the cabal.

I watched fall cabal series..that also woke up a lot of people. She even did some more series on the c0vid scamdemic but of course she was unalived.

During these years I learned more and more about the satanic cult that the "elite" belonged to. I realized many people were obviously oblivious to it. I had to discern who was awake and who was not. 

After the shots started being "prescribed" I shut down completely my escorting career. I had already gone to only an outcall maybe once a month as I was full-time caregiver now for my mom. 

People didn't realize they were being harmed but they also didn't know they could harm others by shedding. 

Again I thanked God for onlyfans. I made a decent living between that and cams so I could work from home and work around my folks sleeping times 

Moving again

 6 years ago shortly after my CR trip I was compelled to move in to help my mom care for my dad who's dementia had progressed after a long time of worsening aphasia 

I prayed to God for the first time really sincerely in many years to help me do the best for my parents. To honor them and not my own needs. It was tough..but I did it. 

At the end of the day I never ever stopped believing in God. I knew I'd have to answer to him. I don't abandon people in their time of need. 

However as I relied on God I mostly relied solely on myself. This will cause a person under extreme stress to have many freakouts emotionally .many mini nervous breakdowns.

I had come to the conclusion that I had to medicate my dad against his will. I was my parents power of attorney so that was no problem. I got the meds .I made his food so I could crush them and easily hide them in his food.

His doctor gave me 4 prescriptions. Mirtazapine, olanzapine, Risperdal and eventually Seroquel. The first 3 made his lower abdomen (tummy) sore and or bloated. He tolerated Seroquel the best 

What prompted me to do this? Sundowning. When the dementia gets to later stages they stay up all night and wander or they just don't sleep at all. 

Things like melatonin, herbal sleep aids etc don't touch it. 

Believe me I would never have done it if it weren't a last resort. My mom wasn't capable of betraying her husband in this way so it had to be my dirty job. You are stuck between the lesser of 2 evils. It's more dangerous as they get aggressive and he was headed that way 

The Seroquel made him into a Pussycat. He was happy to go to ,"daddy daycare" and did so for a few months til c0vid hit. He had no idea of course what was going on in the world. He was happy to be fed and take naps with the cat..sit in the backyard and pretend to read 

He died within 10 days of being hospitalized. Yes it was awful to watch but relatively quick compared to some. When I went to emerg there was literally noone there.. during the start of the mask knockdowns. Now this is a hospital with normally a 6-8 hr wait time. 

That right there tells you what you need to know. All my "conspiracy" feeds were showing "film your hospital" videos showing exactly the same thing. 

Anyway..another day. Still gets me tied up in a knot at the Grand deception and the shock of how many people fell for it.

Blackpilled

 I was "blackpilled" I guess about 7 or 8 years ago.

I was watching a past life video where a young boy had told his parents where he had lived and been murdered. Supposedly when they went there he pointed to where his body was buried and even pointed out the killer. They dug up the body and arrested the man.

This was not the first time I had looked into this kind of stuff but it led me a red pill set of channels on YouTube exposing things like the faked moon landing and I don't recall now all else but definitely we got into Epstein through Q.. the pedo networks and the adren0chrome.

YouTube would refer me to other channels and away I went down the rabbit holes. 

All the truther channels that had redpilled me were removed from YouTube after hunter Biden laptop was exposed. That woke a ton more people up 

Why censor "conspiracy theories" if they were nonsense? Especially all at once. No coincidence.

That's ok. Other platforms like rumble and bitchute supplied us 

During this time I had moved out to the country to a mobile home park. It was so inexpensive to live and I started onlyfans and cut way back on my trips to escort. It was a lifesaver because I was not well. I ended up with a bad mold problem on top of my other health conditions. I didn't realize I had a leak til several months in.

The combination of this plus the isolation and the blackpilling made me very depressed.

I suffered from travel anxiety after I had been on thyroid meds a few years prior. So I couldn't travel with advance notice or I wouldnt sleep for days prior. I could only go last minute and would often trick myself into not going and then ok go!

Like I would only tell my regular escort clients I was available after I'd got settled. 

It worked fine for me. This didn't just involve escorting trips. I wanted badly to attend a marconics training course and get a treatment but since I wasn't allowed in the US my other options were England or Costa Rica. Obviously I chose CR.

I booked last minute. Got my friend in Burlington to puppysit Max and away I went 

The course was (now I know quite demonic) but the place I booked was airbnb paradise.

It was my 2nd trip to CR and I did not want to leave..

Once you watch the testimonials in many of the new age to Jesus videos on my playlist you'll discover that these healing courses and treatments summon "spirits" who are of demonic origin. This of course was why I could never get true healing!!

I had taken bioenergy healing level 1 and 2 a few years prior . I did love it. But 2 ladies in the group literally died a mere year or so after (of what causes I don't know as I only saw obits on Facebook)

The instructor often looked supremely full of anger..but it was passed off as cultural. I knew it wasn't. He was very jealous and greedy and seemed to hate people in general ..but boy did he perk up to one guy who thought he might get involved in the trainings as a business partner.

In my opinion he didn't seem aligned with the energy of healing. I didn't know then what I've learned now in the past few months of watching Deliverance testimonies that demons can counterfeit healings. I was certain that only God could heal. And of course that's true. Demons can copy healing experience but it never lasts 

How I got into escorting

 I've written about this before..so I'll be skipping some of it. 

I was supporting myself as a security guard at night. School daytime obviously and some partying at night. Mostly I worked 12 hr shifts on a weekend but often a Friday night as well. 

If I worked a night shift it was quiet and I could do homework and study. Hopped up on caffeine of course by the time I would get to school id fall asleep at my desk if i worked the night before 

Something had to give because it was expensive. So I answered an ad for a mistress. He paid me for a massage but he could see I wasn't ready to handle anything more. He never pressured me and just wished me well in my education. Note: I later ended up meeting him again when I became a full blown escort a couple years after ;)

I don't recall how much time passed before a friend told me she was going for an interview at an agency but I was intrigued and booked my own interview.. go through my past blog posts to read the rest.

Europe and my first conversion

 After my summer of tree planting I had the funds to finance a trip to Europe. I did SWAP. Student work abroad program. They facilitated student visas to certain countries. I wanted Holland where my ancestors were from but it was not in the list. England was the closest.

I had a mission to f*CK a different guy from each country as part of my experience but I became a born again Christian after just one in London.

I worked in Piccadilly circus. I was a typist. I was asked on a street corner while on my way home if I'd like to attend a Bible study.

Since I had always enjoyed my time doing this in my youth and always made amazing friends I agreed 

They asked me if I wanted some "squash". I confusedly answered no thank you. Squash to them I soon found out when lemonade was brought out is any kind of fruity drunk really..

But to us in Canada it's a vegetable. Hilarious.

So we had Bible study. 

I had what I thought was quite the extensive biblical education. I indeed did not 

I heard Scripture I had never heard before in previous Bible study or in church..which I had spent countless hours..and in a variety of denominations. 

I was convicted quite easily that I had not been a true Christian all this time 

It was a discipling ministry. I was being mentored now by a wonderful gal named Beverly. The church was a true church. Amazing people.

Luckily I was able to fairly seamlessly transition to the church in Toronto to which my cousin had been baptized. (I was baptized back in London)

I started post grad school..was on my merry way but I left the church several months in. I was still suffering from depression..couldn't understand why God hadn't fixed me..brought me a healthy relationship or fruit. I did invite one of my classmates to the church and she joined but left. 

I felt the gospel we were taught was that most were going to hell and I just couldn't get behind that..

I felt I had to leave. It was like a divorce. I had developed such close family like relationships there 

Soon after I decided I would live my life without religion and just be spiritual which meant I could have sex again without guilt. I could drink again..which I did..both.

Uni part 2

 I was not very sexually active. I only figured out how to masturbate after 3 boyfriends. So I would have been 22 or 23 maybe? 

I had a couple more during that 4 years but none long term. I got accepted into naturopathic college and was recruited to go tree planting for the summer after I graduated. It was good money and extremely hard work but I definitely needed the money. Post grad was a private school so it wasn't subsidized like university. 

I worked during university to pay my tuition and living expenses but summer job money plus student loans sufficed.

I contacted the my dean of admissions to request a 1 year deferral so I could travel to Europe and he agreed. 

I partied a lot in school..easily drinking 3 or 4 nights a week in my first 2 years of general arts but that had to stop when I switched to pre-med. 

It was like night and day. Obviously I didn't stop completely but I definitely had to cut back.

During my time at university I tried various clubs and teams like rowing (way too early so nope), trampoline (enjoyed very much), track (I had done very well in high school but my chest was expanding so much even in high school it embarrassed me too much when I ran so I mixed that. I started working out with weights and really enjoyed that for several years til I eventually got bored of it.

I was part of an events committee and was involved in an event where James dohan of Star Trek fame came to show a tribbles  screening. At the dinner beforehand he drank way too much scotch and came on to me. I was only 19 and still a virgin so I declined..lol. 

He did not like Shatner.. he made that clear in his drunken state at the group dinner.

I'm scratching my brain now trying to recall some good stories but it's so long ago now...later perhaps 

4 years of university

 I studied psychology for my BA. I was drawn to figuring people out. I wanted to fix my broken family. I mostly wanted to fix my sister. I had bouts of depression. I knew it was hereditary somewhat but mostly environmental. Many years later I would discover a lot of this has to do with DNA so we're back to hereditary;)

I found university to be a breeze compared to how hard I worked in high school to get good grades. I found it a joke actually how little was required at an "ivy league" university. 15 hrs of classes a week..many of which you could theoretically skip and get the notes from someone else. 

Meanwhile I was dating a severe narcissist who was studying pre-med. I had a tendency to fall for great looking guys who fell into this category and would get swept up in pleasing them.

After I was alerted by his former girlfriend that he was still seeing her plus a new girl ..all 3 of us at once that relationship ended. 

But since I had been helping him study I decided to change course from Arts to science and become a holistic doctor. 

Later on I was tickled pink to discover my grade in anatomy was much higher than his..he had often made me feel beneath him especially for foolishly believing in God. 

 I had to take physics in the summer school program as I had only taken maths in my final high school years. I aced it with a 93.

I immediately started physics, calculus, algebra, biology, chemistry etc etc and finished my necessary courses in psychology to finish off my B. A. In my third year. 

I barely passed physics which should tell you something about our educational system since I had literally no gap between the high school level and first year university level. 

Half the class failed it. I think he might have even belled my 49 to a 50 or something like that. Ridiculous. 

I use this example to show how doctors who have to pass physics are often likely to be like Sheldon Cooper on the big bang theory. 

Our professors did not want to teach but were required to do so in order to get study grants. 

In my microbiology course vitamins were discussed and the professor looked at me like I had 2 heads when I brought up therapeutic dosing instead of just RDA 

The only way I could pass organic chemistry was with a great deal of assistance from the lab instructor. 

 My professor for calculus was amazing and I found myself becoming teachers pet to the point where I could "translate" math to others once I understood it myself. 

But mostly I grew frustrated..how was any of this supposed to make me a good holistic doctor.

I was searching for more..and after a visit to a guidance counselor I discovered something phenomenal and it seemed was the answer for me so I jumped at it with open arms. He had a small booklet for a little post graduate college in Toronto for naturopathic medicine. 

I was afraid actually to take anatomy. I recalled watching Quincy ME with my mom back in the 70s. The classic scene where he's in a hurry to investigate something but he's got a class so he throws back a sheet over a corpse and causes the students to faint or throw up 

But it was nothing like that for me. The bodies although very real did not look human anymore. The looks didn't bother me..BUT the smell was another thing. Formaldehyde stinks. The noise of higher up students next door once in a while of sawing the body parts would cause me some minor distress but other than that I loved anatomy. Unlike organic chemistry or math..to me this was amazing. You can see everything with your own eyes. No theoretical nonsense.

Not a love story

 Just to show you how far I swung from one extreme to another. I think I was in first year university when I went to a screening of this documentary. 

I was so convicted against porn after this. I had the heart of a missionary from childhood. I tried to save animals.. often brought home weak birds, birds with broken wings, even had a pet raccoon who was rescued from a very psychotic raccoon mom. I had doggies, kitties, birds etc.

I also had a strong desire to save humans. BUT I was also abused by my father. Physically and psychologically.

So I had a love/hate relationship with humans. As a child I wanted to run away and lve in the woods solo with animals. My dream if not that was to be a zookeeper. Btw I did become a junior ranger for a summer at the age of 17 which I loved. It was very hard work but also very rewarding 

Ok..so I got involved in an 'action group against pornography'. I was naive at that time. The documentary used scare tactics with snuff porn. 

It wasn't until much later in life that I realized some were paid to act dead. 

I don't recall now why or when I left the group or frankly what even the group did. It's too long ago now and my memory on it is fuzzy.

Suffice it to say I wouldn't have been in the sex industry for over 30 years if it were as dark as depicted. It's definitely not

Getting ahead of my story

 I'll continue my story bit by bit but I'm creating a playlist of what helped me come to this realization and need for transformation. 

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLHHNrFeWu6_PBLXn4vCspuYhKVRlMrlkn&si=ItGaxY6vjY4XKRQ9

Fully retired - spiritual conversion.

 This will be a multipart series of posts. 

I didn't feel like an abrupt slamming of the door was either required of me nor warranted. I have developed some great rapport with several of my fans over the years personally through my cam sessions. From India and Australia (12 hrs difference in time) to around the block from my home. 

If that changes at least you'll know why. Being changed by my spiritual guidance will determine that outcome.

Background. I was brought up in a Christian home. My father was in Bible college in London, Ontario when he met my mom who was in nursing school there. I was first born on a Sunday in the evening. He had preached earlier that day. 

We were baptist although my parents were both brought up in the Dutch reformed Church. This irked my maternal grandmother;,p

My dad left that ministry once he discovered the worldwide Church of God. This was headquartered in Pasadena California. Herbert w. Armstrong (father) and Garner Ted Armstrong (son). They had magazines at airports etc and a TV show. 

We changed our lives in every way during this time. No pagan holidays like Christmas, Easter Halloween etc.. new holidays like the feast of Tabernacles, day of atonement, Passover etc. 

We had to close our restaurant because work or causing someone else to work on the Sabbath was forbidden. 

We now attended church an hour drive each way on Saturday the true Sabbath. 

It was honestly an amazing time. BUT they were exposed for embezzlement on 60 minutes or W5 or something similar 

We left the church as did many many other members 

I searched during my teenage years but became non denominational. I joined ISCF (inter school Christian fellowship). 

In university I think I might have still done similar but I got heavily involved in drinking.

Eventually I played with minor drugs like hash and pot. Not much 

I was 21 when I lost my virginity. I was also around that age when I played group and solo with a ouiji board. 

My paternal grandfather had schizophrenia. My sister had tried suicide and was playing with much harder drugs. Became severely psychotic so I had used the board by myself to ask more scarey pertinent questions about her possibly impending death to psychologically prepare me.

Very very very dumb idea. It answered me and it lied. 

I'm telling you this because only recently have I learned that there are several things you can do or have in your life that are open door invitations to the demonic. Then the demons can cause impulses, illness etc to harm you.. but they can also counterfeit good things so you will think it's from Jesus. But know this. Test the spirits. They will flee if you use Jesus name.