I don't know how to well explain everything that transpired with jerkygirls..at the last shoot.
Well that's not true. I do.. but since I'm not writing a tell-all book anytime soon.. I'll leave the dirty details out. I had written at least 2 drafts of all the dirty details.. but didn't feel right posting. While I'm very disappointed with some of the things that transpired I don't feel that divulging (what I felt to b)e inappropriate personal behaviors of the people that disappointed me appropriate at this time.
Suffice it to say. I felt short-changed during our last filming session, disrespected, manipulated and way underpaid. Gratitude for all I did was displayed.. but I was put in positions I had no business being placed in. I've only ever been talent.. so was unprepared to take on several other last minute roles. Being the good old reliable Carrie that I am.. I stepped up, provided male talent, location for shoot and took on several other roles that night when gaps were left. I took the whole night off of my main job to do this for them.. and even offered them a free place to stay at my home instead of paying for a hotel as I know budgets are tight these days.
The next morning I was paid for the scenes I did the night before but nothing else. Not only that.. but he had the nerve to ask me for 10 bucks change on the rate for the scenes. Whereas I guess I expected him to pay for the location (as pre-arranged), referral fees for talent.. and something for my time as 'assistant director'. I was stunned.. but overwhelmed by the emotions of the bullshit stuff that transpired the night before (that's a very long detailed story) and tired from the late night shenanigans. I guess Dave thought I'd do all that last minute stuff as support staff for free? why would I do that?
The shoot ended up being very late and poorly orchestrated so it was all very stressful. However.. we got some great scenes out of it for jerkygirls so he/they were happy.
One thing I will say was that after the shoot I invited 2 of the new guys we'd shot with and the 2 directors out to see me sing karaoke. We had a blast..up until the 2 directors after having had a wee bit too much to drink talked way to loudly about the porn they wanted to shoot next.. and scoping out talent amongst the barely 19 yr old college girls in the bar. This was only one of the idiotic events of the night. I mean.. even if they were amway reps.. trying now to recruit new reps/clients I would have been unhappy.. but I felt the predatorial nature of trying to find college girls in a bar who 'would have run out of student loans' disgusting.
It took me several hours to process what had transpired and my feelings about the whole thing.. so when I was emailed later that day with thanks for all the work I did.. and that he couldn't have done it without me.. I replied.. 'I was thinking the exact same thing' 'you couldn't have done it without me'.. and you showed your gratitude by not paying me for it.
It went from bad to worse as instead of an apology for putting me to work for things I hadn't signed up for an not being paid.. I got darvo'd.
see the meaning of that here
Here's an example of what I mean by that.. as there were several other issues of the nights events. I'll use the bar example.
response..1) I should have known that after a porn shoot there would be
talk about the shoot... and therefore taken them to another bar where I
wouldn't be ashamed of the discussion.
(my response to that. The only 2 very loudly discussing it were the veterans.. the other 3 people who'd just been at a shoot 2 newbies and me.. were able to discuss other things that are normal in a bar like singing, and other interesting things in life. and 2.. I expected them to behave like adults.. not teenagers.)
2) Since I'm so 'out' about what I do.. how was he supposed to know he couldn't discuss it in public. The people he works with in Florida talk about the shoots they've done quite openly in a bar.
(I don't care what happens in florida.. I found the same thing in LA but only at Pornstar karaoke.. we did not openly discuss in any other bars not designated for porn people)
3) when I said.. what if a girl complained to the manager about being solicited to do a porn
his response: It's not illegal.
mean this kind of response.. to my discomfort about the situation only
aggravated me more. It was here during this conversation.. that I was
furthered angered and hung up on him.
When I later emailed to explain that despite ignoring my discomfort (very disrespectful to a host).. it is in fact technically illegal. (soliciting for sex for money which may or may not be illegal.. is close enough to pimping.. it may be a grey area but we ended up going way off topic really).
Whether or not it's illegal is not the point. He's very naive when it comes to this stuff and has consulted me about what is and isn't legal regarding this but I guess it just didn't make it through on prior conversations.
Oh! and a further response to this discussion had him calling me a hypocrite because I claim to be proud of what I do. He's proud of the product he makes. I get that.. so am I.. but there's a time and a place to be 'proud of what you do'. I mean I doubt he would feel it's okay to be out with his wife and daughter and solicit a waitress while out for dinner with them.. or a store clerk while out shopping. But somehow it's okay with me?
I'm open.. yes.. I'm open to my family and friends.. but I also respect the fact that they don't want to necessarily hear the dirty details of what I do. Some of my friends certainly do.. but I would never disrespect my family members level of comfort by detailing my adventures anymore than I'd want to hear about their intimate sexual adventures in their personal lives.
Of course these retorts only came to me long after our conversations had ended. He was so defensive that I also became defensive and it spiraled way out of a polite discourse. I had also wanted to quiz him (after the fact) if he was so proud of his product was he going to recruit his young daughter to be a jerkygirl when she turned 19. I'm quite sure the answer would have been no.
The point was over several issues during the night I felt completely disrespected. Not the same way I had ever been previously treated. In fact completely the opposite. It's not something that at this point can be apologized for.. I have seen what I view now as lust/greed and immaturity beyond measure and it saddens me that I had to see his true colors.. cause I sure hadn't seen them before.
What I learned from this? I will from now on listen to my own guidance system instead of listening to others who want to 'direct me'. I will not be shooting for my mistress site anymore either as I had found it to be more hard work and stress than fun.. It was certainly fun getting all the dominatrix clothing.. but the shoots themselves are too much work for me for very little compensation.
People often ask me why I don't shoot porn anymore.. why? It's not the last bit lucrative. People think we make so much money for a shoot.. we don't. I make way more money escorting than porn ever did for me. It's only gotten worse in the last few years as so much pirating of porn has happened. This just made it even less likely for me to want to shoot for some time to come. Jerkygirls had always been good to me and enjoyable work prior to this. Can't go back to that now.
I think perhaps this major loss of income for producers has brought out more greed, lust and manipulative tendencies than ever were before.. or maybe I was just to 'rose-colored' glasses to see the reality.